:: Stop and Listen ::

Stop and actually listen.

Listening to our children is one of the most valuable gifts we
have for our kids. As adults we know how it feels not to be
heard, fortunately we can reason this and still get the outcome
we are after. Children do not have this much rational thinking
and often turn the situation back in on themselves which leads
to a whole world of self doubt.

It’s physically impossible to listen every time your child needs to
talk to you, however be aware ofthe signs that they are really
trying to tell you something. These signs sometimes come in the
form of starting a sentence and then hesitating, unable to settle
or simply avoiding you all together. You know your own child best
so you will be aware if there is a problem a long time before an outsider can observe it.

We fall into three main categories as parental listeners:

The Patronising Parent.
This parent takes the approach of ‘never mind, everything will be ok, let me fix it for you’. The danger here lies
in the fact that the child not only feels their personal issues are of no importance to the parent but that they do not develop any skills or ability to solve the problem themselves, because we parents are always doing it for them.
The Lecturing Parent.
This parent is also diminishing the child of any control and on top of that they are critical of the child’s behaviour – ‘I told you not to do that, and see now what’s happened. You do have a brain, so perhaps you could use it?
Now listen to me…….’ The child feels humiliated and develops a competitive edge towards the parent, or goes
the other way and becomes withdrawn and feels they cannot do anything right in their parent’s eyes.
The Distracting Parent.
This parent will use distraction to avoid the issue. “Never mind darling, would you like an ice cream?” the child begins to feel that they are not important and can attempt to solve the problem themselves; however not being in possession of the necessary skills, this can lead to confusion and frustration.

All of the above parenting styles have several things in common; the parent does all the talking and then solve the problem, which doesn’t empower or teach the child anything.

Now, here’s a perfect scenario.

“How was your day?”
“Awful.”
“Why, what happened?”
“The teacher showed us some new things in math class and I didn’t understand, everybody else looked like they knew what she was talking about, and that made me feel dumb.”
“And did they understand?”
“ I asked my friends at lunch time and they said they kinda got it, but I think they were just saying that.”
“Did you feel better when you knew that?”
“Kinda, I guess. I still don’t get the math stuff though.”
“What do you think you should do about it?”
“I guess I should get my teacher to explain it to me again before class tomorrow.”

In the above scenario the child does most of the talking, gets his feelings acknowledged and find his own solution with a little prompting for the parent.

I’m not suggesting that you have either the time or patience to handle every conversation with such attention; however when you get into the habit of being an active listener for you child it goes a long way in strengthening the bond between you. Give it a try.

Once again thanks to Steve Biddulph for teaching me all those years ago, and helping me understand my
children and pass my learnings onto others.

By S. Izudin

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